Family Counseling and the “Perfect” Family

The “Perfect” Family from healthychildren.org, a web site from the American Academy of Pediatrics, reminds us that the traditional family (two parents, father works, mother cares for the children and the household) is no longer the norm. Ask any relationship counselor or family therapist, they can tell you about all the variances of the family. Thirty percent of American families are headed by a single parent. In more than two-thirds of families, both parents work outside of the home. Even if your own family fits the traditional pattern, your children will have friends who live in households with different structures. Your children will ask questions. Your children will have fears about the stability of their own family.

As a Miami family counselor and relationship therapist with many years experience, I can tell you not to panic. Almost any family setup can be made to support and provide for your children. Family therapists from around the world recognize the changing structures of the “average” household. Here are some myths.

Myth: The “Nuclear Family” Is a Universal Phenomenon

The nuclear family, defined as a father, mother and children, is a relatively recent phenomenon. Up to the 1950’s the traditional family was multigenerational with grandparents and even aunts and uncles and cousins living together or in another house close by. Longer lives, better health, economic opportunities, industrialization, urbanization, geographic mobility and migration to the suburbs broke up the multigenerational families.

Myth: Family Harmony Is the Rule, Not the Exception

Family life has always been filled with conflicts and tension. Wives and husbands often struggle with the inability to sustain romantic infatuation and have to learn that partnership and companionship are more important. Parent-child conflicts are commonplace.
Advice: There are literally an infinite number of ways to rekindle the passion in a marriage. Search the web, talk to friends, or seek a relationship counseling to help. When it comes to family conflict (parent – child) remember to empathise with your child. Again, family therapy can assist and shouldn’t be viewed in a negative light.

Myth: The Stability of a Family Is a Measure of Its Success

“This too shall pass” is a statement that makes a happy person sad and a sad person happy. Change is the reality. We live moment-to-moment. Stability isn’t a measure. Stability is a state, a temporary illusion, until the next event happens.
Advice: If stability becomes a major concern seek outside help. It can come in the form of another family member, such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle. If the family faces too great a burden from constant change, seeking short term family counseling can also help.

Myth: Parents Control Their Children’s Fate

Computer programs crash. Is it a software problem or a hardware problem or some other internal or external intrusion that caused the crash? Children aren’t computers, they have free will. Parents can not fully control their children. Period. Say this, “I am not in charge of my child.” Say it over and over. Now live it.

In “Against School,” J. T. Gatto in 2003 wrote that he would like to see parents counteract the effect of the schools by teaching their children

• to be leaders and adventurers
• to think critically and independently
• to have a well-developed inner thought life
• to spend time alone learning to enjoy their own company
• to interact with adult-level books and materials in a wide range of subjects covering the Liberal Arts and Sciences.”

The moment-by-moment, day-by-day job of children is to discover the world and to discover and invent themselves so as to develop an abiding sense of authenticity. The moment-by-moment, day-by-day job of parents is to impart love and acceptance in an atmosphere of love and acceptance, to help the child to succeed and to socialize the child into respecting and following the rules and responsibilities society imposes. Parents are there to present models, to enforce accountability, and to charge the child’s battery intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Parents cannot control their child’s fate. Remember, you have free will, but so does your child. Would you really want it any other way?