Wrongs, perceived wrongs, done to us can become painful memories that just don’t go away. Mistakenly, we think we can get rid of these painful memories by giving pain back measure-for-measure. Some call this retribution. We are wrong. Pains received and pains given are all rocks in our backpack of memories. We carry them around every day unless we cut the painful memory away with forgiveness.
Yes, forgiveness is the magic Delete button, maybe even the Control-Alternate-Delete command that allows us to remove the pains we carry and move us to closure. Anger, self-pity, and rage can fuel us, but in reality, all they do is continually grind the scab off and open the wound again. Healing never occurs.
When one or both partners in a relationship fail to forgive, the marriage suffers. Often a partner might constantly relive fights, or remind the other of problems from the past. This becomes a drag on the marriage and reduces trust and actually increases the chances for future fights. Marriage counselors often state that forgiveness is critical in a strong healthy relationship.
Some experts think forgiveness is more difficult if the offender does not show signs of remorse. Waiting for signs of remorse leaves us victims again. Throw away the heavy burden of victimhood and adopt a new mantra. Forgiveness is and isn’t really part of the day-by-day business of living, but it can be. Other people simply do or don’t say or act in certain ways. Our reactions to those do’s and don’ts are based on our belief systems. Every day and every way strive to have the sense of peace to accept the things you cannot change. Every day and every way strive to have the courage to change the things you can, such as a forgiving attitude, and strive to have the wisdom to know the difference.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Why is forgiveness important in relationships and marriages?
- Forgiveness helps release the painful memories and burdens carried from past wrongs, preventing them from harming the relationship. It reduces the chances of future conflicts and helps in building a stronger, healthier partnership.
- What happens if forgiveness is not present in a relationship?
- Without forgiveness, partners might relive past problems, which can harm trust and increase the likelihood of future conflicts. This can drag down the marriage and prevent it from flourishing.
- Is it necessary for the offender to show remorse for forgiveness to occur?
- While it might seem necessary, waiting for remorse can leave one feeling victimized. It's important to let go of victimhood and strive for a forgiving attitude regardless of the offender’s remorse.
- How can unresolved anger affect a marriage?
- Unresolved anger can continually open old wounds, preventing healing. It acts as a hindrance to personal peace and relationship growth, making forgiveness crucial for moving forward.
- What mindset can help in practicing forgiveness regularly?
- Adopting a mindset focused on acceptance and courage can aid in regular forgiveness. It's essential to differentiate between what cannot be changed and what can, like cultivating a forgiving attitude.
Sources
- Reviving Trust After an Affair (part 2) (gottman.com)Jan 16, 2020 ... ... forgiveness, the focus turns to building a new relationship. ... relationships, handling divorces, and bettering marriages. He hopes ...
- Forgiveness, family relationships and health. (psycnet.apa.org)... D. R. Williams (Eds.), Forgiveness and ... The tendency to forgive in dating and married couples: The role of attachment and relationship satisfaction.
- From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness Can Transform Your ... (amazon.com)From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness Can Transform Your Marriage [Smalley, Dr. Gary, Cunningham, Ted] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers ...