A healthy relationship is essential for your happiness, physical health, and life fulfillment. But an unhappy union can feel emotionally disastrous and negatively impact every aspect of your life. If your relationship is filled with arguments, tense silence, and the feeling you are living with an enemy, the issue may be simpler to resolve than you think. Perhaps you and your partner are using unhealthy communication that over time, has begun to erode the quality of your relationship. It is important for any couple to understand the impact of toxic communication on marriage.
In the United States, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Researchers have found certain patterns of communication and conflict resolution styles can predict divorce. If you are having difficulties in your relationship, your communication strategy may be part of the problem. Below are the four most damaging communication strategies: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Read more to understand what they are and how to avoid them.
Criticism
When two people live together, they will inevitably need to deal with opposing ideas or preferences. When this happens, we need to communicate our concerns and what we hope can be done about them. How we express ourselves is crucial. We can either criticize or offer a complaint that needs resolution.
Criticizing your partner is different from offering advice or expressing your feelings when you are unhappy about something. Criticism is an attack on your partner, seeking to injure the core of the person.
A complaint can look like this:
“Yesterday, after dinner you left your dishes on the counter for me to clean. I cooked and then had to clean up by myself. I don’t feel this is fair, in the future, I need more help with cleanup in the evenings.”
A criticism looks like this:
“You never help clean anything. You’re lazy and you don’t think of anyone but yourself.”
These two statements address the same problem but have very different effects on how your partner will feel. One is easily fixable (please help with cleanup after dinner). The second is an attack on who the person is (lazy and selfish).
Contempt
Contempt is very toxic to relationships. Contempt is despising and carries a total lack of respect. Contempt occurs when we mock, ridicule, call someone names, or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing.
Contempt is worse than criticism as the intent behind it is to make the other person feel worthless. In couples research, contempt was found to be the number one predictor of divorce. People in relationships with high levels of contempt are also more likely to suffer from poor health.
Stop and assess your feelings if you feel contempt or if you communicate in a harsh and unforgiving style towards your partner. Often, if the relationship deteriorates to this level, seeking relationship counseling may help.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a type of withdrawal. This occurs when the listener simply stops responding and withdraws from the conversation. Rather than discussing and confronting issues, the person retreats. This is often a response to feeling overwhelmed or to contempt.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism. It occurs when we feel unjustly attacked. When we (or our partner) feel defensive, the typical response is to make excuses and place the blame on somebody else.
For example, a defensive response to the above criticism (“You never help clean and you are lazy and selfish”) could sound something like this:
“I’m so busy all day long and you know I don’t have time to clean. You have more time than me, why don’t you just do it?”
The above response may feel justified but it will not help the situation. It doesn’t acknowledge how the other person is feeling and doesn’t seek to find a solution to the problem. Defensiveness often only escalates the problem or causes one partner to feel unheard and uncared for.
A better response could be, “You’re right, I left my dishes on the counter and didn’t help out with anything. I’ve been so busy and stressed from work. I’ll try to do better next time.”
Many couples have conflict around household chores. Today, very few couples hold traditional roles where one works outside the home and the other takes care of the house and children. A woman working full-time outside the home has (in some marriages) resulted in a “double burden” for the woman. She has a full-time paid job outside the home and another full-time job raising children and caring for the house. In a traditional marriage, the husband usually feels he should get to relax after work and leave the cooking and cleaning to his wife. In this case, a resolution needs to be found between the couple that results in feelings of justice and fairness for both.
What You Can Do If Your Communication Style is Toxic
Toxic communication damages a relationship, and if left unchecked, it can lead to separation or divorce. Being able to identify your toxic patterns is the first step to improving your situation. Next, you must take steps to improve the way you handle conflict and how you treat each other. It is important to cultivate an atmosphere of appreciation in your relationship. Make sure to tell yourself and your partner how much you love them and the life you have created together.
There are communication techniques and conflict resolution strategies that can improve your relationship. If you are struggling and want help, reaching out to a therapist can help.
Individual and couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial in addressing toxic communication patterns. A therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies needed to improve your communication, resolve conflicts, and rebuild a healthy, loving relationship. Don’t hesitate to seek the support you need to strengthen your bond and enhance your emotional well-being.