Relationships are rarely perfectly synchronized. One of the most frequent sources of tension arises when one partner believes couples therapy is necessary, while the other refuses – even adamantly. If you’re reading this, you’re likely the partner who wants help, feeling stuck, frustrated, or even hopeless. You’re not alone. Research indicates that in approximately 40–50% of couples who eventually seek therapy, only one partner initially expresses a desire to do so (Doss et al., 2009; Gottman Institute data).
This article explores why the gap exists, what it usually means, and – most importantly – practical steps you can take, whether your partner ever agrees to therapy or not.
Why the Refusal Happens (It’s Rarely Just “Stubbornness”)
- Fear of Being Blamed
Many people associate therapy with “being the problem.” Men, in particular, often worry the therapist will side with their partner (especially if the partner is the one who booked the appointment). - Stigma and Identity Threat
For some, admitting a relationship needs professional help feels like personal failure. Phrases like “We should be able to fix this ourselves” or “Real men/women don’t need therapy” are surprisingly common. - Previous Bad Experiences
A prior negative encounter with individual or couples therapy can create lasting skepticism. - Feeling Hopeless (Not Defiant)
Paradoxically, some partners refuse therapy because they secretly believe the relationship is already over and don’t want to “waste money proving it.” - Practical Concerns
Cost, time, childcare, or fear of opening a Pandora’s box of emotions, they feel unequipped to handle.
The Worst Things You Can Do (That Usually Backfire)
- Threatening (“Therapy or I’m leaving”)
- Shaming (“Only emotionally healthy people go to therapy”)
- Ambushing (booking an appointment and springing it on them)
- Endless debating the merits of therapy instead of the actual relationship problems
These tactics almost always increase resistance.
What Actually Works: A Step-by-Step Approach
- Shift the Frame from “Therapy” to “Us”
Instead of “We need therapy,” try: “I’m struggling, and I don’t know how to fix this on my own. I want us to get help together so we don’t keep hurting each other.” - Own Your Part First
“I know I’ve been critical/nagging/shutting down. I want to work on myself, too, and I think a professional could help me be a better partner to you.” - Offer Low-Pressure Options
- “Would you read one chapter of a relationship book with me?”
- “How about we try just one session and see what we think?”
- Online therapy (many partners feel less intimidated when it’s from home)
- Use “I” Language and Focus on Feelings, Not Accusations
“I feel scared we’re drifting apart, and I don’t want to lose us” lands very differently than “You never listen and that’s why we need therapy.” - Give a Deadline – Internally
You cannot force someone into therapy, but you can decide how long you’re willing to stay in a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs. Having a private boundary protects your mental health even if you never voice the exact timeline.
Checklist: Is It Time to Push Harder—or Let Go?
Ask yourself honestly:
- [ ] Have we had the same fight more than 5–10 times with no progress?
- [ ] Is there ongoing contempt, stonewalling, or emotional/physical disconnection?
- [ ] Do I feel chronically lonely, anxious, or depressed in this relationship?
- [ ] Has trust been significantly broken (infidelity, lying, addiction) without repair attempts?
- [ ] Am I staying mostly out of fear, guilt, or for the kids/logistics?
- [ ] When I imagine five more years exactly like this, how do I feel in my body?
If you checked several boxes, the healthiest path may eventually be individual therapy for yourself – with or without your partner.
When One Partner Still Says No: You Can Still Get Help
Individual therapy focused on relationships (sometimes called “discernment counseling” or “relationship clarity coaching”) can be extremely effective. Many people discover that when one partner starts making real changes, the dynamic shifts – sometimes enough that the reluctant partner becomes curious and willing.
We’re Here If You’re Ready
If you’ve reached the point where you want professional support – whether your partner is on board yet or not – couples therapy (or individual therapy for relationship issues) can provide clarity and tools you simply can’t access alone.
Dr. Elsa Orlandini offers:
- Evidence-based couples therapy (Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Developmental Model)
- Discernment counseling for mixed-agenda couples (“I’m in, they’re out”)
- Online sessions available
You don’t have to have both partners willing on day one. Many of our most successful couples started with exactly this imbalance. Taking the first step is an act of love – for yourself and for the relationship you still hope is possible. Schedule your consultation today.
You deserve a relationship that feels good more than it hurts.
Sources & Further Reading
- Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy for significantly and chronically distressed married couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
2. Doss, B. D., et al. (2009). Who seeks couples therapy? A naturalistic study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
4. Doherty, W. J. (2019). Discernment counseling protocol for mixed-agenda couples.